8. & 9. “Can I trust you?” / “Are you telling me the truth?”
Asking this question point blank is never a good idea. For one thing, it puts your partner on the defensive immediately. For another thing, you can never trust the answer you’re getting.
This is because if you’re not fundamentally sure you can trust someone, then asking them whether or not you can trust them will only drive you crazier.
When it comes to people getting jealous and possessive in relationships, Mark Manson, author of Models, says, “It’s really simple: either you trust your partner or you don’t. If you trust your partner, then shut your mouth. If you don’t trust your partner, do everyone a favor and dump them.
“‘Well, what if I trust them but they lie to me anyway?’ Then trust that one day you will find out. Dishonest people cannot hide their dishonesty forever. Eventually it will surface and be obvious. And on that day, dump them.” Kind of harsh, but definitely straightforward.
10. “If you knew it would make me uncomfortable, then why did you bring it up?”
A quality relationship does not settle for the pseudo-comfort of avoidance. It thrives on the genuine comfort of two people who are transparent with each other and themselves for the purpose of deepening intimacy and fulfillment.
In order for your relationship to thrive, you have to be willing to talk about difficult and uncomfortable things and comfort yourself when the topic at hand feels confronting.
As Dr. David Schnarch suggests, in order for an emotionally committed relationship to be fulfilling, we have to be willing and able to soothe ourselves independently within the relationship.
It is challenging to self-soothe and self-confront at once. That is for sure. It means coming to terms with the parts of us that we may not like to see so much, like our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities.
It is as rewarding as it is difficult, though.
Taking a look at what’s really going on inside with openness and curiosity means an ever-improving relationship and an ever-improving life.