1. Eat her leftovers.
If she ever says, “Hey, honey, where is that leftover pie?” and you’ve foolishly eaten it, you’d be wise to drop everything and run. You may even want to leave the state.
2. Bring back the wrong food when you’ve been sent out for something specific she’s craving.
A Boston cream pie is NOT the same thing as a banana cream pie, and a bag of pretzels is not the same as a bag of sour cream and onion chips, you heathen! So, if you’ve only gone to one store and struck out, you’d be wise to go to another (and another, and another…).
3. Booze it up in front of her.
Pregnant women can’t drink, but that doesn’t guarantee they’ll mind if you have a drink in front of them (you’ll have to feel things out). However, if you drink like a college kid at a kegger, you’ll likely earn a one-way ticket to the couch.
4.Joke that you’re going to ask the doctor for the “husband stitch.”
There are so many reasons not to make this joke: it’s sexist, it’s talking about something she’s likely worried about, and it will NOT amuse her. It’s also legal in 34 states to kill your partner within thirty minutes of their making this joke*, so tread lightly.