1. Because we’re good at defending ourselves from marauders…
It helps that a lot of us used to be marauders ourselves. Top tip: Don’t mess with the people of Shetland, because most of them are descended from Vikings.
2. …we rarely shy away from a fight…
Especially if there’s an opportunity to kick someone in the balls.
3. … and our terrifying threats send chills down the spines of our enemies.
“We’re gonnae batter you like a fucking pizza, pal.”
4. Because we’ve got plenty of room…
Everyone moved away from the Highlands and Islands because we wanted to be able to get Ocado home delivery, so there’s plenty of space up north.
5. …and we’re extremely welcoming…
6. …but we have fairly high standards, too.
We can’t just let anyone in, after all.
7. Because we’ve got shitloads of whisky…
Whisky is also known as the water of life, which means its basically a health drink. Also, if you drink enough of it you won’t care that 2016 is a trash-fire nightmare.
8. …and all the essential supplies you need.
Like this beautiful full Scottish breakfast, which contains all the vital nutrients you need to survive the New World Order: crunchy bits, toast, grease, and beans.
9. Plus you can train Aberdeen seagulls to find food.
The food they find will mostly be Doritos, but at least they’ll be free.
10. Because Scotland is tranquil as fuck.
Going for a walk along the Strathaird Peninsula will soothe your worries. Not least because it’s over 4,000 miles away from the continental United States.
11. And there are plenty of lookout points.
The Old Man of Storr on Skye is the perfect place to keep watch for angry mobs driven into wild rages by the rapidly increasing price of Marmite.
13. Because our politicians are total badasses.
And they’re not afraid to stand up for themselves. Oan yersel’, Nicola hen.
14. And when the ice caps melt, you can escape to this nifty home on stilts.
Bring it on, rising floodwaters caused by climate change!
20. …or, if you’d prefer to put your faith in massive fortifications, how about this castle?
You can ward off any number of bloodthirsty savages, Mad Max-style anarchists, and white walkers from Dunnottar Fortress in Aberdeenshire.
21. And, most importantly, because we’re home to the most inaccessible pub in the UK.
The Old Forge in Knoydart is listed by the Guinness Book of Records as the most remote pub on the British mainland. The pub is only accessible by boat or canoe, by an 18-mile hike over a mountain and through dense forest, or by seaplane.